Mother's Hierarchy of Needs

Back in the good old days of my college education, we did a lot of studying about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and how it pertains to a child's ability to learn and function.  You see, there are some basic "needs" every human essentially must have met in order to function at the next level.  The levels are (from least to most basic):

• Self-Actualization
• Esteem
• Love/belonging
• Safety
• Physiological

I won't bore you with the details of all of them, but I will explain that the very basic level, Physiological, pertains to things such as eating, drinking, sleeping, breathing, sex (pphhhttt), using the bathroom...

...you get the point.

Now, how many mothers out there are snorting and laughing because, AS YOU KNOW, those basic needs don't always get met for "mama?"  Actually, I would say that not a day goes by that I  barely meet the basic requirements to sustain my own life.  Let's just be frank here.  We all know what  it's like to hold your bladder during the 67 minutes it took your child to fall asleep.  Can I get an amen?!?!

According to old Maslow, one could not proceed to the next level unless most, if not all, of the basic needs of the previous category were met.  Or if they did, they were not very successful.

Take for instance, Level 4: Esteem.  Self-esteem, to be exact.  How you value yourself.  How you look at yourself in the mirror each day and think, "Gee, self, you're just the rootin'est tootin'est!"  How you respect yourself as a human being and individual.  Your confidence in self. Knowing you deserve better and, by golly, demanding it.

Um.  Yeah, no.

As a mother, you get used to putting others before yourself.  It comes natural (er...usually).  You make sure everyone is fed, bathed, dressed, maintained, and occupied before you even THINK of sitting in front of the TV with a cup of coffee and that issue of  Better Homes and Gardens magazine you've been trying to read since October (pumpkins, anyone?). And even if you DO reach that point of solitary bliss, don't get too comfortable, because it's only gonna last about 8.3 seconds.

I'm not here to complain.  I'm here to rally on behalf of self-sacrificing mothers everywhere.  See, we go through life concentrating so much on putting others (read: children and husbands) first that we often neglect ourselves.  We are barely meeting the basic requirements for life, people!  I mean, hello!  EATING, SLEEPING, and URINATING are at the very bottom of the list.  THE VERY BOTTOM.  Yet what do most moms, especially newbies, complain about the most?  Not having time to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom!  How on earth do we expect ourselves to ever maintain relationships, goals, self-esteem, and all that other psychological stuff if we don't even make sure we're eating more than the leftover goldfish crackers from our child's lunch?

Sooo, what got me on this little soapbox today?  Why, I'm so glad you asked.  For the past two days I was battling what is possibly one of the WORST illnesses a mommy could contract: stomach virus.  Oh yes (oh no!).  Nothing is [seemingly] worse than changing a stinky diaper when all you feel like doing is "tossing your cookies."  Nobody says, "Gee, I'd just love to stand here at the kitchen sink and peel potatoes for soup tonight while I'm too weak and dehydrated to even put together a cohesive thought."  And no one should ever have to wear a path between the bathroom and the nursery because you're holding back the "inevitable" during what seems to be a never-ending pre-sleep snuggle-fest with your toddler.

No.  Just no.

You should have the same "rights" as every other human being.  And you should be able to utilize those rights when need be.  But unfortunately, we (moms) don't always have the option to stay in bed all day.  There are no "sick days" when you're a mom, especially when you stay at home with the little dears all day.  So we press on.  We sacrifice ourselves for the better cause and choke back yesterday's pseudo-lunch of leftover goldfish crackers while tending to the needs of those who rely on us.  And sadly, we've done it to ourselves.  We've created a world where we have to do it all and be it all or else it falls apart.

Would it not have been so easy to simply ask my husband to make dinner?  Yes.  But as he stood in front of me asking what to make, all I could think in my little dehydrated mind was, "Dang it.  I should have bought a frozen lasagna."  But no, I insist on making home-cooked meals from scratch each night; and doing it myself is a whole lot easier than explaining to someone else how to do it (Much like how it's easier to just drag your sick self to school than it is to write out 5 pages of sub plans in hopes that some order will be maintained while you're lying in bed with strep.  But I digress.).  It's virtually impossible to sit through a hot bath, much less enjoy it, while you listen to your toddler screaming bloody murder because mommy always "does bedtime." Which, might I add, has become the ritual for the past 20 months because it's just quicker and easier that way.  It's just easier to do it myself.  Easier for me, easier for them.  Just, easier.  That is, until we (I) get sick, or injured, or need a night out with friends.  Then suddenly, it's not so easy.  And thus the point of this whole post...

Mamas, make sure your basic needs are getting met.  Take care of yourself.  And by golly, teach someone else how to take care of you.  Or in the very least, maintain the house and children while you're "out of order."  I learned something these past two days:  I don't take care of myself.  And I need to start.  I let my very basic needs go to the wayside while I'm trying to clean the house, prepare 3 square meals + snacks, teach/entertain/care for a toddler, make grocery lists, balance the bank account, gather coupons, schedule everything around nap time, fix/find/sort/organize ______, maintain a routine, and just "be" there for everyone.  And sometimes, it's all before I even get to go to the bathroom for the first time of the day.

And whose fault is it?  Nobody but my own.  I've made it too easy for everyone but myself.

So, from here on out, I vow to start taking better care of myself.  And I need to create a "back up plan" for when I just. can't. deal. anymore.  I am more than a physical being.  I am a person (ha ha...well duh).  Part of who I am is my psychological, emotional, and spiritual self.  I can't be a whole person unless I am tending to the very basic requirements of life.  So, that's where I stand.  I will start taking better care of myself.  And you know what, this advice goes out to anyone who has given too much of themselves to ANY person or job.  And yes, being a full-time SAHM is a job.  But that's another post for another day. ;)

Take care of you.  Love yourself.  Because you're loved and needed by somebody you love even more. :)